The Sociopath Next Door
Author: Kayla Barnes
We’ve all heard of the big bad wolf—the cold-blooded killer who stalks and hunts, taking lives without remorse or hesitation—a sociopath. These wolves have names like - Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and Jim Jones. All of whom destroyed hundreds of lives in the wake of their actions. We make movies and write books about fictional and real-life wolves - part cautionary instruments and part revelatory exploration. Society is both fascinated and frightened by sociopaths. However, all too often, the stories we hear are only about the deranged maniacs who commit dramatic acts of violence or crimes against humanity.
In The Sociopath Next Door, author Martha Stout warns readers of individuals we encounter daily without conscience. 1 in 25, to be exact. They are our neighbors, parents, coworkers, and significant others. Individuals whose actions are solely based on their wants and needs and who operate without others’ slightest consideration to accomplish them. Unfortunately, many of us often notice something irreversibly wrong with these individuals only after they have caused chaos or damage to our lives. Stout says it is just about guaranteed we will all encounter one of these wolves in sheep’s clothes, and we must be prepared to protect our well-being when facing them. This is perhaps the most important part of The Sociopath Next Door.
The following details the 13 Rules of Dealing With Sociopaths in Everyday Life provided by Stout so we do not fall victim to sociopaths’ destruction:
We must accept that some people do not have a conscience and do not all look like Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. They are regular people all around us.
Always trust your instincts. Regardless of the admirable roles and qualities an individual may hold, like a teacher or doctor, if their actions suggest otherwise, we should always trust our analysis of their actions over their appearance or position.
Use the rule of three when forming new relationships. After three personal slights, such as three lies or three missed dates, bite the bullet and move on.
Question authority and encourage others to question authority as well. Just because someone is in a position of authority or power does not mean they are exempt from wrongdoing. Stout reminds readers of the Stanley Milgram experiment, where most participants were willing to give lethal electric shocks to another person if the “doctor” in charge of the study instructed them to do so. This study was in response to the global discomfort with Germany’s widespread involvement in the Holocaust, which resulted in the deaths of six million Jewish people.
Suspect flattery. Some flattery is genuine, but Stout cautions readers to be aware of extreme flattery that appears to be unwarranted. This flattery may manipulate you into letting your guard down so you can be taken advantage of by the sociopath.
Redefine your concept of respect. According to Stout, sometimes fear is equated to respect. If you equate fear with respect, you could leave yourself open to victimization by the sociopath, which stems from our animalistic tendency to submit to predators. When someone regularly utilizes this tendency to coerce submission - RUN!
Don’t be tempted to join the sociopath’s game, no matter how tempting. After you realize you have been caught in the web of a sociopath, you may want to have the last word and reassert your dominance. It’s not worth it. If you stoop to their level, you will be distracted, protecting yourself from the task.
Avoidance is the best method of protection. Since a sociopath cannot truly understand a social contract’s dynamic, including them in social situations is dangerous. Stout notes that psychologists do not typically recommend avoidance, but it is best practice when dealing with sociopaths. If you are worried about hurting their feelings, don’t - there are no feelings to hurt.
Related to the last rule, beware of your tendency to pity someone. A sociopath uses pity to manipulate a person back into their life for victimization. Sociopaths know most people desire to be polite and not hurt feelings, but this politeness should be reserved for people who deserve it. If someone’s actions do not warrant your pity and a smile, don’t feel obligated to give it to them. The need to feel like we are acting “civilized” can be used to exploit us.
Don’t try to redeem the unredeemable. When someone has shown you they are manipulative, disappointing, and untrustworthy, don’t search for reasons to excuse their behavior. Whether you want to regain control over the situation or help the person, remember that the only behavior we can truly control is our own.
Never agree to help a sociopath conceal their true identity. As previously mentioned, the sociopath may use pity or other forms of manipulation to encourage compliance. No matter your relationship with them or what they may have done for you in the past, you do not owe them anything. You especially do not owe them anything in relation to concealing any harm they have caused another person.
Defend your psyche. Don’t let the sociopath ruin your view of the rest of humanity. The other 24 out of 25 people possess a conscience, and letting your negative experience with the sociopath ruin your perceptions of others enables them to win.
Living well is the best revenge. Enough said.
Some of these rules may appear alarming or dramatic. Still, if you asked Martha Stout, she would likely argue that if caught in the wake of a sociopath who lacks conscience, you cannot escape the situation quickly enough. What is often difficult for someone with a conscience to grasp is that someone without a conscience is willing to do anything at the expense of another person to accomplish their objectives. Therefore, we must be willing to take every measure necessary to protect ourselves against the sociopath next door.
Diserio Consulting is a professional service firm that works with individuals and organizations, assisting them in gleaning insight into behavior. We provide services in life coaching, criminal investigations, management support, insider threat, victim advocacy, and training.